San Francisco Sentinel
September 13, 1990
Street Talk
Here She Is! Miss Jersey Street!
By Doris Fish
It would be pretty hard to write about the ‘Miss Jersey Street’ contest without mentioning Jean Marie Helmick, even though she begged me not to put her name in this paper. She describes herself as “one of San Francisco’s pathetic and inane single, straight women”. Jean Marie is also the celebrated producer/hostess of the ‘Miss Jersey Street’ contest. And, until last weekend, was the title holder – she thought for life.
Curiously this contest coincides with the ‘Miss America Pageant’ which all the ‘Miss Jersey Street’ contestants are obliged to watch. We arrived at the contest site in charming Noe Valley around 9:30 to be greeted on the sidewalk by someone stealing a television. Turns out the set was not actually being stolen but delivered to Miss Helmick’s home by none other than Alex Roe, director of ‘Hotel Europa’ (opening September at Exit Theatre). Miss Helmick has to borrow a television set each year.
We carried the set up as Alex had somewhere better to go. Although this was not my first time in Jean Marie’s home, I still had to marvel at its size. You enter through a tiny kitchen and then into a small foyer off to one side and then you head for the door leading to the bedrooms and living area, but there is none! We are in the bedroom/living room. The living is gracious in Noe Valley.
This is a shoebox where teeming multitudes can number as many as five. This year’s contest drew a record seven entrants including ‘Miss Haight-Ashbury’ who said, “I will go off drugs if I win.” She lost. I represented the town of Bolinas. “I hope my family is watching, my little girl Freebox and my son Brownrice. I’m a weaver and I do pottery but tonight I’m going to do a yoga display.” I then twisted my lovely body into what turned out to be a losing position.
Then that old fart, Bert Parks, interrupted our contest with his stupid flubbing of the old has-been ‘Miss American’ lineup, which is my favorite part of the pageant where you get to see if the years have improved them.
I love it when some really sweet wholesome girl wins and then a couple of years later, she looks like some high-priced hooker. Speaking of which, we had our Miss Oral Euphoria do her bump and grind act next. She sang, “I’m Sensational” (which was similar to a Whitney Houston hit). Anyway, she was fabulous even though her white jockey briefs (or were they ‘Fruit of the Loom’?) showed under her gold mini skirt. She wasn’t fabulous enough to win, however.
Then the titleholder, Jean Marie, prepared to dazzle us with a bit of high-brow culture, but then the commercials were over before she got it together, which no doubt cost her a few precious points. Finally, we did witness her portrayal of Brunhilda with the braids and ice cream cones as horns on the stainless-steel bowl. The judges were unsure if she had used her own voice. Miss Helmick stoutly denied any lip-synch charges, and even I wanted to believe her, remembering her winning flute solo from last year which was also questioned.
However, there was no question about the talents of Miss Peeber, who sang the song of the same name (“Peeber in the morning. Peeber all through the night. Peeber!”). Using her own hands and legs and an expressive face that revealed a lot of experience, she greatly impressed the voters. “She looks just like Sylvia Miles!” One was heard to exclaim.
You had to marvel at the ‘gowns’ chosen by those East Bay contestant, Deb and Ann: men’s shirts, sweatpants, Birkenstocks and backpacks. It seems that not all entrants had access to a lavish clothing allowance. Jean Marie was gorgeously gowned in blue chiffon with a revealing beaded bodice. “I borrowed it from Elaine.” The television turned out to be Elaine’s too.
But Deb and Ann, with a little help from the other contestants, did a marvelous impersonation of our hostess lamenting her empty life. ‘The food is bitter, it tastes like Kitty Litter,’ was the opening line, and it was downhill from there. But they poignantly pointed out that it was Jean Marie’s obsession with her crown and title that caused her “life that went astray”. It devastated her but not nearly as much as finding that Miss Peeber was the new ‘Miss Jersey Street’.
Seeing how shattered our hostess was by this turn of events we tried to leave as graciously as possible. “Run! She’s freaking out!” But our tearful, whining, winless hostess held us with tales of the expense and trouble she had encountered creating her loser’s outfit. “And (sob) I spent $3.95 on the tape (sob).” As we pried her away from the only exit, I consoled her with the hope that Miss Peeber may have posed nude at some time. It was sad to see her reduced to such desperation. “If I can’t find a photo will a pencil sketch do?” What could I say?
Of course, we howled with laughter when we reached the sidewalk. But the irony is that she will have a much better life without the crown while I hear that Miss Peeber is already becoming”impossible”. Perhaps next year the crown will go to someone who can handle the fame, moi?
