San Francisco Sentinel
January 19, 1990
‘I’m Serious About My Career’
By Doris Fish
Many years ago, I told myself, “When I hit thirty, I’ll give up show business.” Now I say, “I’ll get serious about this showbiz stuff when I hit forty.” I’m close enough to start thinking about a career again. And I guess Miss X and Tippi are, too, because we’re fumigating our fishnets to hit the boards again.
“A fabulous new show?” I beamed when X called to say we had a booking at DNA. “Well, it will be fabulous, but Doris we don’t have time to work up new routines.” The voice of reason replied, “Besides, people do want to see those old numbers. We can’t bill ourselves as the Sluts A Go-Go if don’t do ‘You Only Live Twice.’”
“Why don’t we bill ourselves as The Old Dogs With No New Tricks?” I was feeling trapped! “And be sure to send posters to all the retirement homes!” Maybe people do want to see the same thing over and over. Could Miss X possibly be right?
“Well, I’m going to do something new. I’m doing ‘I Never Promisee You a Rose Garden’ in an Astro Turf gown!” I said, defiance cracking my voice.
“That’s not exactly ground-breaking avant-garde material, Doris, but I’ll put you down for it. Shall I make an appointment for you with my internationally renowned musical director, Scrumbley Koldwyn? Or will you be issuing one of your old, scratched records?” I could hear her face cracking as a smile stretched across the old prune.
“It’s a new record,” I pouted, knowing full well it wasn’t such a great idea, and I don’t really have any talent. I must concede the bitch can bark in tune occasionally.
“And darling, we’ll be having a rehearsal tomorrow. Tippi and I will be glad to go over the steps with you. After ten years do you think you could finally learn the routines?” “Well! And I was the one who stole all those steps in the first place. Besides if we did all new stuff then I wouldn’t be the only one who looked like a klutz.
If we couldn’t do a new show, we could at least get some new blood into the act. I called Ruby and Lotty, two fabulous big girls with gowns and talent. “We’re really flattered that you would call, but it would be far too humiliating to be on stage with Phillip R. Ford telling jokes. We’re sorry.”
“Ruby, we need you! Don’t worry, you won’t have to be anywhere near Phil. Besides, you’ve got talent! Isn’t there a song you could sing?” How could a showgirl resist the offer of a featured chanteuse spot?
“Well? Is Anyone doing ‘You Only Live Twice’?” Ruby innocently asked. Miss X’s big show-stopping finale where poor Tippi and I do slave girl dancing to make her look like some sort of Goddess.
“Why no. No one’s doing that. It’s yours!” Thank you, thank you! There is a God. Miss X’s laugh-lines would be pretty lonely after this. She and Phil had been trying to get Ruby and Lotty to do this show for weeks, so she wouldn’t dare not eat this humble pie I’d made for her with so much love!
At rehearsal we got the good news that the incredible Wayne Doba had agreed (blackmailed!) to do the show. Maybe it would be a fabulous show after all. With Gere Fenellie and Mr. Lucky, we could now happily bill the evening as an “All Star Gang Bang.”
When rehearsal ended (and I had completely forgotten the steps to ‘Hawaii Five-O’ — I was so mortified!) Phil showed us the video of ‘Smut Fest 89’ at DNA where, not too surprisingly, we did all the same numbers we’d just rehearsed. What did surprise me was how funny the show was, with snappy pacing and happily idiotic routines. Even Miss X had to admit my fuck-ups in the ‘TV Medley Dance’ were at least endearing and I told her she was sensational doing ‘You’re The Top’ (she actually was pretty good) and Phil Ford’s strip, ‘Dance of Love’ was shockingly beyond art or entertainment, just like a car crash — you want to tear your eyes away but you can’t.
I hate to say it, but it looks like it will be a great night out. Miss X is probably right, you’ll love all this old crap one more time. We’ll be at DNA (what does that stand for? Not Spacious and Hygienic as it says on the poster!) next Thursday, January 25 at 9pm. If you can stay up that late, we’d love to see you.
