San Francisco Sentinel
December 7, 1989
Not Another Martini, Darling! Eight is My Limit
By Doris Fish
December is barely here, and my mailbox is bursting with smart soirée invitations. I’m flattered to be considered a good party risk. Of course, it has been years since I earned the “Worst Person at the Party” title. But as Marc Heustis says, “One should either be the best or the worst!” We both laughed, not quite knowing which one of us was which.
Marc and I were both guests at one of the first soirées of the season last weekend. Given by politically correct socialite and fabulous actress, Silvana Nova, the evening was called “Cocktailia” and served to introduce visiting relatives and friends from the “mad Midwest” to us sane San Franciscans. “That’s Silvana’s cousin!”, exclaimed filmmaker Marc, “but Silvana’s so ugly!” “But darling, we’re the same species: Queen!”, countered Miss Nova, graciously ignoring Mr. Huestis’ attempt to not be the best person at the soirée. I thought Marc was doing a great job. He’d already scored with another comment, “There’s too much about Miss X in your column! Write about me!” And all these utterances from someone who hasn’t had a drink in years.
Some of my dear friends, whose names I can never remember, were there, including local poet, Aaron Shurin (whose name I’ve never forgotten though he thinks I have!), who claims to give readings of this very column to culture-hungry listeners.
Then Miss X arrived (have to mention the dear old thing) so I left. I meant that kindly. But Miss X was one of the best people there. She’s always so well behaved in public. But who was the winner of the “Best Person at the Party” award? Writer Craig Seligman? As the domestic partner of our hostess, the rules say he must decline the award. My vote goes to the guileless Elvis, who, wearing little more than a sequined lime green tutu, frolicking with gay abandon among the happy guests spreading good cheer and crumbling our reserve with a big, silly grin on his dark furry face.
I wasn’t the first to leave. Lulu Beauty sped out the door as I arrived, carrying a giant head with an Xmas cap on it. “I’m off to the Apple Computer Christmas party. Girl, you’ve got to give a little head to get ahead!” She called as we waved goodbye. I immediately looked for her usual companion, Janice Beauty, only to be informed by Miss Nova, in a stage whisper, obviously not expecting it to reach print, “She was not invited.” So, in her absence and by default, Marc Huestis garnered the “Worst Person” award. (Though when Miss Nova reads this, I may be a strong contender!)
Speaking of awful people, Zsa Zsa Gabor recently called West Graphics, the greeting card company which has a couple of Zsa Zsa look-a-like cards on the market, to complain. The call was not unexpected though one would have thought her lawyer would call first. Miss Gabor had some grievances about the arrest, “My policeman was much better looking, darling.” And “Who is that old, fat cow? She doesn’t look like me!” To emphasize her displeasure, she ordered three dozen to use as her Xmas card this year. Later she sent a photo of herself to prove her point, and you know she’s really quite slim and young. Those TV cameras have been lying to us!
I wish I could call up and complain about the ugly old models they use on my cards, but…
Sunday I finally started my Xmas shopping, but all I could find were gifts for myself! I bought a lovely brooch, dripping with pearls and little gold fish. At first, I thought, “Miss X will love this!” But I later recanted and got her something more boring and tasteful (and cheaper!). Luckily, I have a reputation for being cheap so none of my friends is expecting anything much. Even so, this Xmas shopping is so expensive! I spent over thirty dollars looking for gifts, and all I have to show for it is a two-dollar trinket. But since I got it home that trinket is starting to look good, though it doesn’t really go with anything in my closet. I’ll just have to go out and buy a new dress. See! This Christmas business is just getting out of hand.
The decade is almost over, and I haven’t even developed shopping skills. I give up! I’m just going to send cards.
