San Francisco Sentinel
October 26, 1989
City Beat
Putting on the Frock
By Doris Fish
Everyone was shopping last week. They were three-deep at Cliff’s candle counter; the bottled water was all gone at Cala and the flashlights and batteries were the hot items at Pay N’ Pak. I wish I could say I was one of the well-prepared folks in our town, but I was busy preparing for that other earth-shaking event — All Hallow’s Eve. In fact, I was out shopping at 5:04 p.m. on that Tuesday when the sidewalk turned to Jello beneath my famous feet. And Jeanette MacDonald was nowhere in sight!
I’ll look for her again this Tuesday. She may be with Marilyn or Zsa Zsa having an excessive amount of fun and probably drinks! Speaking of that Gabor woman (and that’s all anyone was speaking of until an earthquake bumped her off the headlines), if you’re planning to “do” Zsa Zsa don’t be too authentic with any of our local lawmen. One Gabor behind bars is enough. When I transformed that fabulous “Angels of Light” veteran, Janice Sukaitis, into Zsa Zsa she went quite crazy, slapping the gorgeous police impersonator and suspecting everyone of being a lesbian! She even asked the male art director, “Are you a lesbian, darling?” The poor man had never, I’m sure, felt any lesbian tendencies in his life! Despite the personality problems, she did look stunning as you can see in the window of “Does Your Mother Know?” The result of this transformation is another fabulous West Graphics greeting card with myself Doris Fish, as Zsa Zsa’s cellmate, Leona Helmsley. What you won’t see is the somewhat steamy love scenes between Leona and Zsa Zsa. I believe the lovely lady photographer is keeping those shots in her “Girls Only” file!
If all this doesn’t deter you from Gaborizing yourself then let me give you the benefit of my experience. Now that I am a take-me-seriously dramatic actress, a well-know comedy model and to be frank, on the good side of forty (I’ll leave it to you kind readers to decide which is the good side!), it’s only fitting that I should be giving you young things advice. First, one must have a nice close shave, and you boys, too. Facial hair is lovely with jeans and a check shirt, but with lipstick it’s just too seventies (of course that is the next decade to be revered) and you will not be respected! If you’re really serious, you’ll have to shave your eyebrows or else soap them down with a slightly moistened bar of soap. Now you are ready for the heavy foundation! I like the Kryolan brand base, it’s similar to Max Factor, but has many more colors. It’s available at California Theatrical Supply on 9th Street below Mission Street; I buy almost all my makeup there. Take a little time with the base, make it as smooth as possible with a nice solid but not too heavy coverage. Blend it into the shoulders and chest, covering well if you plan to expose this attractive area. When it’s quite smooth and even apply a loose powder generously. Don’t miss any spots! Now, artistically speaking, you have a canvas ready for the broad strokes and fine details. I usually start with the eyes.
Zsa Zsa’s makeup is strong and obvious, often a no-no in serious cosmetique circles, but for us it’s a real boon. Heavy black eyeliner on top pointing up, up, up! A nice pause at the outer corner between top and bottom lines, the lower line also points up. The brows are sharp but slim and continue the upward inclination, her eyeshadow is usually just a beige-brown in the socket line. Now plenty of mascara and some inexpensive false eyelashes, no lower lashes for Zsa Zsa. If you’re really serious you may paint in a few crow’s feet, but lucky you if you have your own! Her cheeks are wide, and the rouge is quite low to “hold” them up, a broad soft line blending toward the ears. All that’s left of her nose is two triangular holes, so if you have a big one don’t do any profile poses! The mouth is heavily lined, I mean outlined with usually a nice frosted coral pink lipstick. A slight crease line on either side would be an authentic detail, unfortunately for Zsa Zsa these lines definitely go down. Down to a plump almost jowly jaw. But for seventy she could still turn a few tricks on any good street corner.
For the hair you may be able to rehash your old Linda Evans wig, with a little restyling … voila! Zsa Zsa! Gold earrings, an upmarket peasant dress, and a big cabbage rose transform you into the world’s most famous lesbian hater.
Of course, I will be out and about myself in just some regular fabulous fake fur creation celebrating Miss X’s birthday at the glamorous “Blue Lamp” dive, I mean lounge, in upper Tenderloin Heights. She’s not disclosing her age even to me, her kindest friend, so she must be really old. But then Miss X is like an old wine – kind of bitter and vinegary. Phil Ford is trying out his “new” lounge act and Miss X is sure to sing! Hell! I may even try a few notes myself! That’s Saturday. And yes, Tippi will be there, dancing and drinking, drinking and dancing and having the time of her not so young life. After a bit more dancing, in the … of the evening, Tippi will help judge the obligatory costume contest. The Grand Prize is a “Girl’s Own Earthquake Survival Kit” with a few items not found in your standard white male kit. If the earthquake had been one point bigger, I’m sure a few of us would have needed a fresh pair of panties, so our kit includes a purse-size pair of Depend panties as well as a few necessities like a brand-new lipstick, still in the package. I you’re like me when disasters strike there are two things which help, putting on fresh lipstick and buying some new things. Tippi always keeps a few unopened cosmetics and toys in her drawer in case of an emergency. She hasn’t had to open them yet, but just knowing they are in there calms her. So the lipstick in the package is alternative shopping therapy. Not knowing when the shop would open again last week was very stressful for me! One other questionable item included is a nurse uniform so one may go unmolested into restricted areas and get a good look at others’ misfortune up close. If you have social conscience, you should do a First Aid course in case you actually have to help. Or at least learn a few paramedic words. And one other item I personally wouldn’t need but you might, a pint of Brandy. It seems like everyone got plastered after the plaster fell last Tuesday!
I’m praying we’ll all have a stable Halloween this Tuesday and that the only stumbling you’ll do will be self-inflicted. Do take care on those spike heels. I know I will be flirting with death myself as I teeter precariously on my new Jungle Red six-inch spike-heel ankle-strap Frederick’s of Hollywood platform bedroom slippers! But I’m going to be a responsible Drag Queen and not have any drinks. Don’t drag and drink is my motto. You’ll look attractive though others may not!
Happy Halloween!
Editor’s Note: the original article had the columns of text misplaced. (It was only a few weeks after the earthquake and a lot of people were still very verklempt) I have corrected them here. -Tree
