San Francisco Sentinel
May 3, 1990
Street Talk
Woof, Woof
Miss Chaos Pageant at Club Uranus
By Doris Fish
Sentinel Arts Writer
“If the stage could bark…” the late Tommy Pace said, and I couldn’t help thinking of him last Sunday night at the Miss Chaos Pageant at Club Uranus. What a bunch of spooky Queens!
The only normal-looking ones there were Miss Daly City and myself — and I suspect that she was just impersonating a normal person and is in reality a very spooky Queen.
Speaking of odd types, Ggreg Taylor, San Francisco’s Tyrant Emperor, coerced me into being a judge at this stunning social occasion. Ggreg appeared in Drag as Tyrant Empress, Jerome, while the lovely Jerome came as herself. I dressed in an ensemble befitting my position as a judge and, let’s face it, a famous fashion plate and glamapuss, albeit of a different generation. My solid gold dress exuded excessive good taste and old-fashioned values, while my fire-red satin Barbie coat squealed respectability. And just to show I’m still a trend-setter, I wore my brand new, not-from-a-thrift-store, hot, red solid plastic platforms with the stiletto heels!
Others did not choose their outfits so wisely. One lass had chosen what was once, no doubt, a gorgeous gown, but never near her size. Most of her giant body was covered in the front but her back seemed still to be growing out of the tattered taffeta. Wisely she covered most of her face with her dark ringlets, which I thought was a wig, but may have been growing out of her forehead. And she was one of the pretty ones.
Her talent was impressive. She came out on skates and fell straight over a photographer, got up, rolled around to the theme from “A Summer Place” and left. She lived up to her name, Lois Expectations. She was followed by a young woman who tenderized a chicken with a screwdriver and a hammer. As I scratched her off my list, I prayed she had other career options besides “Beauty Queen” or “homemaker”. Before the winners were announced, I kindly whispered to her, “Don’t worry, there are no losers here.” Later she was seen laughing desperately into her cocktail.
“No talent is not enough,” I silently said to myself as yet another contestant dared to impress me. I had to admit she was impressive, like a runaway truck. Her name was Mother (although I strongly suspect all her maternal skills had gone into nursing a drink or two) and she sang. Accompanied by a lovely young man with a piano-accordion claiming to be her daughter Inez, she wailed a mournful yet bright tune, “I’m your mother, I love you…. You were always full of life and shit, Come over to my face and have a sit.” We all loved Mother.
One of my favorites was Miss Brie Brickette, who was far too pretty and talented to win “Miss Chaos”, but she did win hearts with her fabulous full-throated ‘acapulco’ (no music) “Stormy Weather”. Her gown was in my favorite shade of lime green, and her pretty face was tastefully painted. Brie managed to win runner-up and may be asked to step into the shoes of our “Miss Chaos” should the winner not be able to maintain the low moral standards required. I’m sure our winner will not have any difficulty, however.
She first entered the stage to the tumultuous cheers of the rowdy crowd, wearing a stunning black and white vinyl raincoat and a paisley sweater. Her name was Cleda Govoytnier, and her talent was hard to describe because her back was to me a lot of the time. She pranced around with a plastic ray-gun (her name, she claims, is French for “woman from out of space”) doing a fairly limp “Charlie’s Angels’ routine. The music was going on and on and she had already done both of her dance steps when she made her winning move. It was simple yet elegant. She merely pushed her black sequined mini-skirt down to reveal a charming and creamy bottom and kept right on dancing. That little gesture pushed her “no talent” routine into the winner’s circle.
But the real winner was the lovely Jerome. She was gracious and funny and, curiously, had real glamour and poise. She was in her evening wear, a scrap of black lace over virtually nothing and was never less than fascinating. Of course, I used to avoid her like the plague, thinking she was a real scary freak. Now she’s one of my dearest friends. Isn’t it ironic how awful people can become nice?
Anyway, congratulations to all the “Miss Chaos” contestants. I hope you all have something better to do next Sunday.
